World's best mom

Over the last six months, I have convinced myself that I am the World's Best Mom. It wasn't a hard conclusion to come to since, from the very beginning, I have been doing things that are phenomenal.

Phenomenally dumb.

I'm not saying that I'M dumb, because I'm not. But I didn't (and don't) have the first clue about being a parent, so some of the things I've put my son through are pretty sad. Hilarious, but sad.

1) It started before the child was even born. I packed our hospital bag and tried to think of everything we could possibly need. I knew I would need a gown, soap, shampoo and conditioner, panties, socks, a nursing bra. I would need the baby book and an outfit to bring my baby boy home in.

So where did I go wrong?

The day after my son entered this world, someone asked me what I was going to dress him in. I was supposed to bring that? You mean to tell me that I was supposed to bring him clothes? I thought the hospital would give him a onesie or something to put on.

I called and asked my mother-in-law to bring him a gown, any gown. She brought one with palm trees and pineapples on it. I didn't think that was bad.

Well it was.

At least it looked bad, especially with the Alabama Crimson Tide hat and booties on.

My child looked like ketchup and mustard.

2) At about a month old, the awesome ladies from my job bought my son a swing. It was the one I asked for and I loved it. It had a net around it that the light from the mobile would shine stars as it turned. It played music and rocked back and forth. I loved it, my son loved it, everyone was happy.

Except for when I had to put him in the swing and get him out of it.

Because I hit his head on the mobile EVERY TIME. Every time. And every time I would tell him, "Oh, sorry C."

I'm not going to lie, he cried. He would stop eventually, but every time he got a bump opposite of his rump, he would cry.

3) About two weeks ago I took my son to Walmart at 11:00 p.m. I know how bad that is. When I was putting him in his car seat, I told my husband that we were horrible parents. Who goes to Walmart that late anyway? The crazies, that's who.

Maybe we were crazy. I think we were. I think we are. I think the craziest thing we've ever done was have a baby, and then take that baby to Walmart.

C on the other hand, loved it. For what ever reason, the kid loves to go grocery shopping. Clearly, he's only half mine. He was content the entire time. He loved it. He looked around at the lights and all the colors of the various food boxes. He didn't fuss at all.

My husband and I had hoped that maybe the riding would put him to sleep. It didn't. He was so enthralled with Walmart that he stayed awake the entire hour and a half we were there.

Yes, I kept my son in Walmart until 12:30 a.m.

4) Last week there was a carnival in the parking lot of the K-Mart shopping center. Close to 10:00 p.m. my husband decided that he wanted to go to the carnival for some carny food.

I love carny food.

I can't say no to carny food.

So what did we do? You got it. We took our son out into the night to a carnival for the sole purpose of a corn dog and cotton candy.

My justification was that he would love all the lights (which he did) and so it was really a favor to him.

The night ended with a full belly of delicious greasy, fried food and pure sugar, three goldfish, and a sleepy baby.

5) I let my child sleep in the bed with us. In fact, sometimes I look forward to it. I like it when he sleeps in his bed because I get to cuddle up with my husband, but when our son joins us, I sleep SO much better.

I sleep better because all I have to do when he starts crying is pull my shirt up, pop a boob in his mouth, and call it a night. He sleeps better because he's literally at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Wake up. Drink. Sleep. Wake up. Drink. Sleep.

He doesn't have to even move.

Then, if he has to pee or poop, no problem! He just does it there too.

You can see how we're all OK with this arrangement.

6) The last reason I am World's Best Mom is the same reason you all are.

We love our babies.

It doesn't matter how many of them there are, how old they are, how insane they make us or how much they age us, we love our babies. That's what's makes an amazing mother. To love your child more than you love yourself. To know that you would do anything for that person just so he/she will be happy and healthy. We know what it feels like to hurt when they hurt and to be on top of the world over something as simple as a reach.

Any mother who loves her child enough to want the best for that baby, who would do and does anything for that baby, is World's Best Mother.

Happy Mother's Day, ladies.