Is it guilty in here or is it just me?

I read a blog post today on "mommy guilt" and it rang so true to me. As I type this, C is laying in his crib screaming because he's pissed off. We do this every night, and every night he sleeps about an hour before I cave and just stick him in the bed with us.

The thing is, I know there's nothing wrong with him even though he's screaming bloody murder, but I still have this gnawing feeling that I'm a horrible mother.

This isn't the first time I've felt that way...today.

For instance, our day started off like normal. I went outside to take Apollo out and raised the blinds on the door so I could see in. Connor was sitting by the door looking out at me and laughing, playing with his toys, etc.

Then he was gone.

But I still saw him.

Over by the dog bowl.

The kid knows not to eat dog food, but he still does. So I got in the house just in time to see a piece laying on the floor beside him while he chewed vigorously on a chicken-based pellet meant for my canine. I shoved my finger in his mouth and felt the about-to-be-soggy morsel, and I tried to dig it out. The thing is, he kept moving his tongue around and chewing on my finger.

So then I was like, "Well this is great. I don't want him to choke on it."

Thank goodness I was on the phone with my mother through this whole ordeal, otherwise I would have been freaking out. Because just as I thought, he started choking.

It was pretty standard. He first made a gagging sound, then he coughed, then gagged, coughed and stuck his thumb in his mouth until everything was right with the world again.

Here was my reaction. Gag (me pushing on the part between his rib cage, trying to remember anything about the baby Heimlich Remover). Cough (OK I know if he's coughing, he's breathing. Don't pat his back, that might lodge it further). Gag (Oh shit, the kid is choking. *Mother in the background- "Hold his arm up!"*). Cough (He's breathing. Still pushing on his stomach with one hand, holding an arm up with the other). Thumb in mouth (Put my ear as close to his face as possible until I hear a steady breath).

I feel like I handled it well.

Then at my mother's later on, he wanted to play. But I didn't. I wanted to take a nap.

Guilty moment #2.

Annnd here we are, it's bed time and he's stopped screaming temporarily. It's because I sent my husband in to rock him. I know that when he gets back in his bed, the screaming will continue. I know that I will end up putting him in bed with me.

What is this vicious cycle?

For now though, this minute, it's quiet time and I plan on enjoying it to the fullest.